This crazy thing called love - Random thoughts from tonight.

What else would a girl write about other than love? Probably clothes and the next big sale coming up. We are a tad predictable, but hey, that is the thing that just happens to be on our minds - or my mind at least. You can't blame me really, I mean, love is an incredible feeling. There is so many different types of love, and different ways to share it. We as humans crave a lot of those feelings. They're just so warm, and comforting. Who wouldn't want that?

You see, I'm your typical girl who has dreamed of love since she was a little. As silly as it is, I'm in love with it! Love, that is. I mean, I practically planned my whole wedding by the time I was 8! Yea, pretty crazy I know. I was a tad over board, but could you blame me? It really is so wonderful. Love has just always been a big thing to me.

I'm only 19, but I've hit that point in life where I look at my parents and I envy what they have. They have each other, their own partner in crime. Someone who can drive you up the wall, and comfort you beyond belief all in one day. They have that person who you can share your life with, the person who knows you sometimes better than you do. I've seen my parents go through a lot through the years, but they have made it through everything life has thrown at them! Love really can conquer all.

I practically grew up on chick flicks. I couldn't get enough of them! From the amazing Titanic, to the tear jerking Notebook, or even the oh so wonderful Romeo and Juliet. All the way over to hilarious romanitc comedies like The Ugly Truth, Knocked Up and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. I have watched them all. I've laughed, cried, envied, and have been able to truly believe in the love I saw on that screen. Not only did I see and believe, but I also wanted to be able to have that myself and to feel that kind of love again.

I know love isn't just like how it is in the movies. I know prince charming isn't going to randomly bump into me at a coffee shop and all of the sudden we are madly in love! No, I'm not expecting that. I also know that movies tend to make males, or females, look and act a little better than they could be in the real world. You know what though, I am totally ok with the real world love! But is it to much to ask for a little romance?! Honestly, I'm a little tired of the whole go on a "date", you pay and open your own door, and bam. No text, or call the next day or week! It's getting sad people.

I have noticed a few things in me lately that lead me to believe that I must've given up on finding my "true love" a little while ago. At least for now. Sad right? I've just been screwed over lately, and on so many different occasions. It's getting annoying to be honest. I mean, I fell in love once, ended up hurt over silly things and I just couldn't think of letting another person in. So maybe that's been my problem? I've been screwed over, but maybe I've been pushing some people away as well? Who knows.

You see, I'm the girl who loves to be in a relationship. So the fact that I've been out of one for over a year is a little weird for me. I mean don't get me wrong I needed the time to my self and am totally ok with it, but it's still weird. I love everything about being in a relationship and prefer to be in one rather than stay single. I mean my ex and I were together for two years! I'm definitely the long term type rather than the dating type. It's not that I'm unhappy being single or "can't live" without being with someone. I totally can, but I am a happier person in a different way when I'm with someone. Even my mom pointed that out to me one day.

After my ex, I went on to trying to get rid of that emptiness I felt once I broke up with him. I had a few rebounds after my last relationship ended, and of course, nothing helped. No guy could make me feel like I did before. I definitely was once in love with my ex, and I wanted to feel that way again. But how?  Of course, I'm not a patient woman but honestly, who is these days? Everyone always rushes everything. I try not to, but it's proving to be more difficult than I thought. I thought that if I got rid of chick flicks and love stories, fantasies and really anything to do with love, that I'd be fine. I didn't want to constantly think about it, read about it, watch it or have anything to do with it anymore. I focused on work, family, and friends. I'd go on a date every now and then but wouldn't ever try to emotionally get involved. I tried to put that as far back in my mind as possible. Yet here it is, popping up again!

Like I said before, I'm only 19 and I know what you're thinking, "You're too young" or "He'll come some day!" or even "Coral, stop thinking!!!" I just can't! I try and try but for some reason it really gets to me. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm one of those people born to be in love and truly change a persons life from the amount of love I share with them. Silly right? I thought so.

Ok, so maybe I'm not born to do that exactly. It's just whenever I look at my mom and dad, and see how they are together it makes me happy. I want to be what my mom is to my dad for someone someday. I want to be looked at the way he looks at her and loved the way he loves her. One day, the right guy is going to show up and I will love him like crazy and laugh at the silly worries I have tonight! Yup, one day soon my daddy and mommy will be there for me on my big day, walking me down to say "I do" to Mr. Right. One day...

Sometimes a girl just has to vent...

You know what I dislike? That wonderful feeling after you meet a guy and you start to like him. I know what you're thinking, "How could you hate that feeling?" Well, I'll tell you why I do.

For one, it scares me. I hate when I start liking someone, because lately I always end up hurt. So when I feel like I am beginning to like someone, I try to come up with a million different little things I don't like  about them just so I wont go there. That moment after I begin to really get to know that person. We hang out all the time, talk all the time. I feel my walls begin to move down, slowly, but still moving down which is a big step for me. I can sense myself being happier, especially around them. I always hope that feeling is mutual - sometimes it is. Sometimes, I'm just a little meaningless piece to the game they're playing.

Either way, it's always something. He doesn't feel the same, he isn't ready for anything, he just wanted to have some fun, he's moving, he's gay, he feels the need to stop talking to you and never responds to you again (my fav! ... -_-). The list really does go on forever. I feel I've gotten every excuse in the book. Which is why I'm always so confused when people insist "You could get any guy you want!" or "There has to be a long line of guys waiting to catch your eye!" ha. Whatever. Trust me there is no line, and I certainly can't get any guy I wanted. Otherwise I'd have him and I wouldn't be going through this mess would I?

I'm just feeling so incredibly discouraged right now. I mean, it's not often that this happens. There has only been three guys after my long term relationship ended that I could honestly see myself with, and that relationship ended a little over a year ago. There has been quite a few dates gone wrong though. Guys who play me just for fun, or my favorites were the guys who have taken me out because they were dared to and had money on it. Yea, believe it or not it's happened to me four times. That's my luck!

I don't know why I'm writing this, other than to try and get this bottled up emotion that I have inside of me out. I'm done with tears, I just want to smile! And I will, tomorrow. I just needed to get this out before I let it drive me crazy inside. So thanks world for reading. Not that many actually read this... ;P

I'll live. I will! I have many times before, I can one more time. This guy though...guys he's just so wonderful. Like I said - just my luck.

Vunerable - a poem

Here I am, this is me. Vunerable as can be. 

Judge me now, I dare you to. 

All I truly want is to run away with you. 

Judge me now, for ever more. 

Tell me do you see something you could adore? 

Today, tomorrow, for all of eternity. 

I'll be with you, my sweet serenity. 

Love me now the way I am, or leave me be. 

Don't ever say I tried to hide from thee. 

For I am not any girl, and you are not any guy. 

I could be yours, forever in love. 

Just you and me♡

Interesting thing to think of.

Really though, how cool is that? I know I feel I'm always the person to have the crush. I wonder if he notices the smile I have when I'm with him. The looks I give him. My heart racing as we hug. I'll be honest, I've had quite a few crushes in life. I've always been, well, boy crazy! From the time I was a kid in elementary school, all the way up till now I've always loved males. Can't blame me, they're pretty awesome if you ask me. 

I've been through a lot when it comes to boys. I've experienced butterflies, those late night phone conversations that made me burst with joy, dreams that make you smile, the awkward first dates, the heartbreaks, the first kisses. I've been through it all. I've even fallen in love. Something I'd always dreamed of doing. 

I have been in love with love since I could remember. I always read love stories, wrote my own love stories, and watched as many chick flicks as possible. I began planning my wedding with my childhood best friend when we were very young. We always talked about who we'd marry, what his name could be. How many kids we'd have, what their names would be. We planned what colors we wanted to have in the wedding and what dresses we wanted to walk down the isle in. We were very thorough with our plans; dreamers from the start.

Though, after reading the quote up there, I realized I've spent my whole life dreaming of love and happily ever afters, but never have I once thought about how I could make someone else feel. Sure, I know how they could make me feel, but never them. Then it occurred to me. What if I gave someone else butterflies? What if I was the reason for that adorable crooked smile, or his heart racing. Could I really have the power to make someone feel that way?

I've never really given myself much credit when it comes to that. I mean, as crazy as it would sound to anyone who knows me, I used to be very shy and had an incredibly low self esteem. I was loud to cover up the amount of silence I'd sit in while secretly wishing I could be someone else. As horrible as it sounds, I honestly didn't think it would be possible for someone to like me, much less love me. 

I've always talked too much, especially when passionate about something. And who likes a girl who never shuts up, right? I thought being tall was horrible, and hated my body for how skinny I was. There was certainly a lot more, but I'll stop with those few things. I don't like to think back on my old thoughts much, or how things used to be, but it's good to every now and then so I can see and appreciate how far I've come.

Now, I could see me making someone else feel that way. It really does feel wonderful too. And, like the quote says up there, it is very cool to think I could be that special someone in a guys life. 

There is always going to be someone out there for all of us that will give us those butterflies. But, there will also always be someone out there that we will give butterflies to as well, just by simply being in the same room. Pretty cool, huh?

A letter with a secret

I never planned to fall in love with you. Honestly, until recently I never really thought I had fallen for you. Sadly though, I did. Not as strongly as I have loved before, but none-the-less I fell. From the day we met I felt connected to you. I remember seeing you for the first time across the room. I would catch you staring at me, causing my face to burn red. Your eyes had such a warm depth to them. Once my eyes had connected it was always so hard to break free.

We began talking and instantly I liked you. We became friends very quickly and I loved how easy it was to be around you. I got the butterflies every time I saw you. A feeling I thought I'd never feel again. You made me laugh, and continuously flattered me. To be honest, you were quite the charmer. I had never met a guy like you. You were sweet, and had the most caring, loving heart. My falling for you began.

I will always remember your hugs. For they would bring never ending joy to me. There was something about them; a warm fuzzy feeling I got when you'd hug me. There was so much love within our embraces, I would never want to let go. I didn't think you did either. Our flirty banter always kept things interesting - and oh was I interested. 

Now, this is where things get sad. I never once told you how I felt, until that one night I got ballsy and decided to be blunt. I should've never said anything to you, for maybe you would still talk to me if I hadn't. I wanted you to know how I felt. How I had liked you since the day we met. I never fully expressed how I felt however, for you were with someone and I didn't want to come in between that. I don't know why I'd tell you such a thing. Maybe with the hopes that you'd change your mind about her? I'm not quite sure. What I am sure about is that I was foolish. 

The last day I saw you, I gave you the biggest hug ever. I'll never forget you coming to wait with me in line, or the kiss you gave me on my forehead before you left that made my heart skip a beat. The things you said to me as we sat on the steps together, or the look you gave me before you drove away in your car. I'll always remember that day as the best day I've spent with you yet. 

You will always be an incredible guy to me. You have a kind heart, and a wonderful personality. The girl you're with now should always feel lucky to have you, because she truly is. I've seen you from a distance since that last day, and you seem happy. Though, I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt me to see you. Until next time, thank you for all that you gave me. You were an incredible friend that I happened to love at the wrong time.

I hope she treats you the way you deserve to be treated, and that you will be happy in life. Don't become a stranger because of the foolishness I did. That is something I'd have a hard time forgiving myself for.