You know what I dislike? That wonderful feeling after you meet a guy and you start to like him. I know what you're thinking, "How could you hate that feeling?" Well, I'll tell you why I do.
For one, it scares me. I hate when I start liking someone, because lately I always end up hurt. So when I feel like I am beginning to like someone, I try to come up with a million different little things I don't like about them just so I wont go there. That moment after I begin to really get to know that person. We hang out all the time, talk all the time. I feel my walls begin to move down, slowly, but still moving down which is a big step for me. I can sense myself being happier, especially around them. I always hope that feeling is mutual - sometimes it is. Sometimes, I'm just a little meaningless piece to the game they're playing.
Either way, it's always something. He doesn't feel the same, he isn't ready for anything, he just wanted to have some fun, he's moving, he's gay, he feels the need to stop talking to you and never responds to you again (my fav! ... -_-). The list really does go on forever. I feel I've gotten every excuse in the book. Which is why I'm always so confused when people insist "You could get any guy you want!" or "There has to be a long line of guys waiting to catch your eye!" ha. Whatever. Trust me there is no line, and I certainly can't get any guy I wanted. Otherwise I'd have him and I wouldn't be going through this mess would I?
I'm just feeling so incredibly discouraged right now. I mean, it's not often that this happens. There has only been three guys after my long term relationship ended that I could honestly see myself with, and that relationship ended a little over a year ago. There has been quite a few dates gone wrong though. Guys who play me just for fun, or my favorites were the guys who have taken me out because they were dared to and had money on it. Yea, believe it or not it's happened to me four times. That's my luck!
I don't know why I'm writing this, other than to try and get this bottled up emotion that I have inside of me out. I'm done with tears, I just want to smile! And I will, tomorrow. I just needed to get this out before I let it drive me crazy inside. So thanks world for reading. Not that many actually read this... ;P
I'll live. I will! I have many times before, I can one more time. This guy though...guys he's just so wonderful. Like I said - just my luck.
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