Sometimes a girl just has to vent...

You know what I dislike? That wonderful feeling after you meet a guy and you start to like him. I know what you're thinking, "How could you hate that feeling?" Well, I'll tell you why I do.

For one, it scares me. I hate when I start liking someone, because lately I always end up hurt. So when I feel like I am beginning to like someone, I try to come up with a million different little things I don't like  about them just so I wont go there. That moment after I begin to really get to know that person. We hang out all the time, talk all the time. I feel my walls begin to move down, slowly, but still moving down which is a big step for me. I can sense myself being happier, especially around them. I always hope that feeling is mutual - sometimes it is. Sometimes, I'm just a little meaningless piece to the game they're playing.

Either way, it's always something. He doesn't feel the same, he isn't ready for anything, he just wanted to have some fun, he's moving, he's gay, he feels the need to stop talking to you and never responds to you again (my fav! ... -_-). The list really does go on forever. I feel I've gotten every excuse in the book. Which is why I'm always so confused when people insist "You could get any guy you want!" or "There has to be a long line of guys waiting to catch your eye!" ha. Whatever. Trust me there is no line, and I certainly can't get any guy I wanted. Otherwise I'd have him and I wouldn't be going through this mess would I?

I'm just feeling so incredibly discouraged right now. I mean, it's not often that this happens. There has only been three guys after my long term relationship ended that I could honestly see myself with, and that relationship ended a little over a year ago. There has been quite a few dates gone wrong though. Guys who play me just for fun, or my favorites were the guys who have taken me out because they were dared to and had money on it. Yea, believe it or not it's happened to me four times. That's my luck!

I don't know why I'm writing this, other than to try and get this bottled up emotion that I have inside of me out. I'm done with tears, I just want to smile! And I will, tomorrow. I just needed to get this out before I let it drive me crazy inside. So thanks world for reading. Not that many actually read this... ;P

I'll live. I will! I have many times before, I can one more time. This guy though...guys he's just so wonderful. Like I said - just my luck.

Vunerable - a poem

Here I am, this is me. Vunerable as can be. 

Judge me now, I dare you to. 

All I truly want is to run away with you. 

Judge me now, for ever more. 

Tell me do you see something you could adore? 

Today, tomorrow, for all of eternity. 

I'll be with you, my sweet serenity. 

Love me now the way I am, or leave me be. 

Don't ever say I tried to hide from thee. 

For I am not any girl, and you are not any guy. 

I could be yours, forever in love. 

Just you and me♡

Interesting thing to think of.

Really though, how cool is that? I know I feel I'm always the person to have the crush. I wonder if he notices the smile I have when I'm with him. The looks I give him. My heart racing as we hug. I'll be honest, I've had quite a few crushes in life. I've always been, well, boy crazy! From the time I was a kid in elementary school, all the way up till now I've always loved males. Can't blame me, they're pretty awesome if you ask me. 

I've been through a lot when it comes to boys. I've experienced butterflies, those late night phone conversations that made me burst with joy, dreams that make you smile, the awkward first dates, the heartbreaks, the first kisses. I've been through it all. I've even fallen in love. Something I'd always dreamed of doing. 

I have been in love with love since I could remember. I always read love stories, wrote my own love stories, and watched as many chick flicks as possible. I began planning my wedding with my childhood best friend when we were very young. We always talked about who we'd marry, what his name could be. How many kids we'd have, what their names would be. We planned what colors we wanted to have in the wedding and what dresses we wanted to walk down the isle in. We were very thorough with our plans; dreamers from the start.

Though, after reading the quote up there, I realized I've spent my whole life dreaming of love and happily ever afters, but never have I once thought about how I could make someone else feel. Sure, I know how they could make me feel, but never them. Then it occurred to me. What if I gave someone else butterflies? What if I was the reason for that adorable crooked smile, or his heart racing. Could I really have the power to make someone feel that way?

I've never really given myself much credit when it comes to that. I mean, as crazy as it would sound to anyone who knows me, I used to be very shy and had an incredibly low self esteem. I was loud to cover up the amount of silence I'd sit in while secretly wishing I could be someone else. As horrible as it sounds, I honestly didn't think it would be possible for someone to like me, much less love me. 

I've always talked too much, especially when passionate about something. And who likes a girl who never shuts up, right? I thought being tall was horrible, and hated my body for how skinny I was. There was certainly a lot more, but I'll stop with those few things. I don't like to think back on my old thoughts much, or how things used to be, but it's good to every now and then so I can see and appreciate how far I've come.

Now, I could see me making someone else feel that way. It really does feel wonderful too. And, like the quote says up there, it is very cool to think I could be that special someone in a guys life. 

There is always going to be someone out there for all of us that will give us those butterflies. But, there will also always be someone out there that we will give butterflies to as well, just by simply being in the same room. Pretty cool, huh?